ALL Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh Festival medley, festival medley
JEFF and SUSAN Lots of thigns are happening At the festival in September Lots of people are coming To watch us do our stuff
HEIDI and HUNTER Our pants are what we're crapping At the festival in September We're nervous as holy hell
ALL And did we do enough To get someone With money
SUSAN To like us?
JEFF Trust us?
HUNTER Back us?
HEIDI Love us?
SUSAN (spoken) Happy opening, y'all. Hey, naked.
HUNTER Stop. I'm waiting until the last minute to put on my shirt because I get sweaty under my left pit when I'm nervous.
SUSAN That is specific.
HEIDI You should go onstage like that.
HUNTER I would never go onstage without my shirt. We should have Jeffy take his shirt off.
JEFF I'm not taking my shirt off.
HUNTER Yeah, take your shirt off and we'll start the scene over. Heidi, you take your top off too.
HEIDI Hunter, I'm not going to take off my top.
HUNTER Both of you, take off your fucking shirts so we can sell some tickets to the show!
SUSAN Yeah!
HUNTER That's hot.
SUSAN Now y'all, kiss. Serious y'all, kiss.
JEFF Okay, that's ridiculous. I'm not gonna kiss her.
SUSAN I'll kiss her.
HUNTER Oh my god, this show has everything! Half naked guys and girl on girl action!
SUSAN and HEIDI (sung) Festival medley
JEFF and HUNTER Vegetable medley
HUNTER and JEFF TV actors in out show What could be sweeter We could get that woman who was one "Empty Nest"...
HEIDI (spoken) Hey Swasson...are you okay?
SUSAN No, Heidi, I'm bummed we only have four more of these. I like doing the show. It balances out my day job which is killing me softly. I wrote this song sitting at my desk today...I'd like to sing it...for you now...
(sung) Can't you see that I'm dying inside? Can't you see that I'm dying inside? If you shined a flashlight in my butt you'd see I'm dying inside
HUNTER and JEFF (simultaneously) Are we writing for Are we writing for Are we writing for, Are we writing for
SUSAN and HEIDI Inside!
HUNTER and HEIDI Festival medley
SUSAN and JEFF Festival medley
HUNTER and HEIDI Festival medley
SUSAN and JEFF Festival medley...
HUNTER (spoken) Has your mom come to every show?
JEFF Every one.
HUNTER My mom is here tonight.
JEFF Oh my god, that's right.
HUNTER I'm nervous. All that stuff about porn and fuck this and fuck that, and masturbating...
JEFF Oh please, like your mom has never masturbated.
HUNTER Oh my god.
HUNTER and HEIDI (sung) Festival medley
SUSAN and JEFF Festival medley
HUNTER and HEIDI Festival medley
ALL Thirty-one
JEFF and HEIDI Musicals in a scuffle At the festival in September All competing for ticket sales And coverage in the press
SUSAN and HUNTER (simultaneously) Ahh.
SUSAN and HUNTER We don't wanna get Lost in the shuffle At the festival in September But we're gonna get lost in the shuffle
JEFF and HEIDI (simultaeously) Ahh.
ALL That is unless.
HEIDI and JEFF There is someone
HUNTER and SUSAN Someone
ALL With notoriety
SUSAN To like us
JEFF Trust us
HUNTER Need us
ALL Love us!
HUNTER (spoken) Hello?
JEFF Hey, we got a bad review.
HUNTER I thought we agreed not to read reviews. What did it say?
JEFF Well, it was like "the script is a sign of bad things to come" and "the songs were forgettable"...
HUNTER You can't believe reviews. Wait, I'm getting another call.
HUNTER What? Oh my god! Hey, Jeff's on the other line. Hang on.
HEIDI Okay.
HUNTER Jeff, we got a good review in The New York Times.
JEFF What?
HUNTER Yeah! Page two, weekend section! This is so awesome!
JEFF Wait a second, I thought you said not to read or believe that stuff.
HUNTER That was some bullshit I pulled out of my ass to make us feel better. Hey, let's conference in the girls. Heidi?
HEIDI Hunter?
JEFF Heidi?
HEIDI Jeffery?
HUNTER Susan?
SUSAN Hunter?
JEFF Susan?
SUSAN Jeffy?
HEIDI Susan?
SUSAN Heidi?
ALL Yay! Party line!
HUNTER Hey, Susan, we got a good review in The New York Times!
SUSAN Awesome! The Gray Lady, baby.
HUNTER Jeff, what was that bad review in anyway?
JEFF Broadway.com
HUNTET Broadway.com? Broadway.com can kneel down, open its online mouth and suck my
SUSAN, JEFF, and HEIDI (sung) Festival Medley
HUNTER (spoken) ...it can suck my fucking cock!
ALL (sung) Festival medley Lots of things are Happening at the festival, Everywhere you turn There's a fuss! There's mayhem abounding At the festival in September Lots of things are happening They're happening...
There's no stopping the momentum Of the festival in September Who knows what Will all come from The festival in September Aaaah, It's the final show Aaaah, At the festival Aaaah, Said it's the final show Aaaah, At the festival
ALL (spoken) That was amazing! Woo-hoo! Etc...
HUNTER You guys, we had fancy producer and industry people here tonight.
HEIDI Oh my gosh, well get out there and go schmooze with them!
JEFF Wish us luck!
HEIDI and SUSAN Ahh! Sluck, sluck, sluck! Good luck! Good luck!
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